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What is Sexual Abuse?

The following information was developed and written by child molesters in treatment at the Center for Behavioral Intervention in Beaverton, OR.

Child molestation usually begins with a sex offender gaining a child's trust and friendship. The offender then begins "testing" the child's ability to protect themselves by telling sexual jokes, engaging in horseplay, back rubs, kissing or sexual games. If the child appears comfortable with or curious about this type of behavior, (and most healthy, normal children are) the offender will slowly increase the amount and type of touching to include more direct sexual touching.

Child abuse can include exposing, fondling, masturbation, oral sex and penile-vaginal or penile-anal intercourse. Children who have not received prevention skills training do not usually understand what is happening is sexual or wrong. Most offenders know that if they physically harm a child while molesting them, the child is more likely to tell. They are also clever enough to make the child feel as if they are equally responsible for the contact.

Most children become trapped and are unable to tell anyone what is happening. It is up to parents, neighbors, schools and churches to provide prevention skills training and an open atmosphere in which children will be encouraged to report abuse. The information following was compiled and written by several sex offenders in treatment with CBI, we hope that these articles will help protect children by better educating community members about child sexual abuse.

Cory Jewell-Jensen M.S.

Co-Director, CBI

Who are Child Molesters?

According to a 1998 random survey, 1 in 10 men admitted to having sexually molested a child. In the Portland Metropolitan area alone, over 3000 men and women are currently serving probation terms for molesting children. While most people know that child molesters are not dirty old men who jump out of bushes and grab children, it is always hard to believe that someone you know and like is also a child molester.

Who is the typical child molester?

I am probably well known and liked by you and your child.

I can be a man or woman, married or single.

I can be a child, adolescent, or adult.

I can be of any race, hold any religious belief, and have any sexual preference.

I can be a parent, step-parent, relative, family friend, teacher, clergyman, babysitter, or anyone who comes into contact with children.

I am most likely a stable, employed, respected member of the community.

My education and my intelligence don't prevent me form molesting your child.

I can be anybody.

How Child Molesters Gain Access to Your Child

It is very easy to gain access to your child.

I pay attention to your child and make them feel special.

I present the appearance of being someone you and your family can trust and rely on.

I get to know your child's likes and dislikes very well.

I go out of the way to buy gifts or treats your child will like.

I isolate your child by involving them in fun activities so we can be together - alone.

If you are a single parent, I may prey on your fears about your child lacking a father figure or stable home life.

If my career involves working with children, I may choose to spend my free time helping children or taking them on "special outings" by myself.

I take advantage of your child's natural curiosity about sex by telling them "dirty" jokes, showing them pornography, and playing sexual games.

I will probably know more about what kids like than you do; i.e. music, clothing, video games, etc.

I make comments like "Anyone who molests a child should be shot!" or "Sexually abusing kids is the sickest thing anyone can do."

If I am a parent, it is even easier for me to isolate, control and molest my own children. I can sexually abuse my children without my wife ever suspecting a thing. I gradually block the communication between my children and their mother and make it look like I am the "good guy".

Indications That a Child is Being Molested.

Because each child is unique, symptoms of sexual abuse vary and can be hard to identify in some cases. Here are some things to watch for:

Behavioral symptoms can include a change in modesty ranging from becoming overly concerned about their body to engaging in inappropriate sexual behaviors.

Physical symptoms can include genital pain, itching, discharge and bleeding. Children can also develop stomach aches, headaches and a variety of other physical complaints.

Other changes can include sleep disturbances, bed wetting, unexplained fears or refusal to go to certain places or be with certain people. School problems, difficulties with peers, excessive crying or depression, clingyness, aggressiveness or secretiveness are also common.

Children who are bing abused sometimes try to deal with their problems by engaging in "escape" behavior. This may involve running away, drug or alcohol use, day dreaming or becoming more isolated.

Remember, if your child demonstrates any abrupt changes in behavior, he or she may have something they need to talk about. Repeated inquiries and supportive information may be necessary. If a child molester has begun isolating and manipulating your child, he or she may feel very confused about telling. The child may believe that if they did tell, they will be the one in trouble or that they will loose their friend or parent.

Why Don't Child Molesters Always Get Caught?

Remember once I start, I will do everything possible to continue molesting your child. I ma sexually turned on by kids and I enjoy being sexual with them if I have a lot of practice, I can become very skilled at offending. I will not stop on my own. I am very selfish and do not care if my behavior is hurting your child.

After I've begun molesting your child, I maintain their cooperation and silence through guilt, shame, fear and sometimes "love".

I convince your child that they are responsible for my behavior.

I make your child think that no one will ever believe them if they tell on me.

I tell your child that you will be disappointed in them for what they have done "with" me.

I warn your child that they will be the one who will be punished if they talk.

I may threaten your child with physical violence against them, you, a pet, or another loved one.

I may have gotten the child to feel sorry for me, or believe that they are the only one who understands me.

If I am a parent or live in a home with children, my behavior may look accidental. I may 'accidentally" expose myself or "accidentally" walk in on children while they are using the bathroom or changing clothes.

If I am a father, my behavior might look "normal" to other people. I may use situations like tucking the kids in at night to touch them sexually.

I may have told my children that "this is what all fathers do with their children" so they don't know to tell.

I may be so good at manipulating that they may try to protect me because they love me.

PREVENTION

Don't feel that your child is safe from me! At least one out of every four children will be molested by the age of eighteen. Here are some ways to protect your child or other children from me.

Communication: listen, believe and trust what your child tells you. Generally children do not lie about sexual abuse.

Education: teach your child healthy values about sexuality. If you don't teach your child.... I will.

An excellent guide for teaching children about sexual abuse is A Very Touching Book by Jan Hindman; for teens No is Not Enough by Caren Adams, Jennifer Fay, and Jan-Loreen Martin; for adults By Silence Betrayed by John Crewdson.

Frequently remind your child about "secret touching" and that it is never the child's fault.
Get to know your child's friends.
Be wary of older child or adult that wants to spend a lot of time alone with your child.
Watch for any symptoms of sexual abuse your child might demonstrate.
Trust your intuition: if you feel something is not right in your child's relationships, act on it.
Parents can defeat me if they work together. Educate yourself, your family, and your community.