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SEXUAL ABUSE
PREVENTION QUESTIONS
Questions Asked to
a Treated Sex Offender
Updated
Extremely important new question for anyone wanting
to prevent sexual abuse.
Normally, we
answer these type of questions directly and don’t
usually place them on line. Under the
circumstances we decided to place a composite answer for all of them so that
others with similar issues may find the answers they seek (This will eventually
become a new article on our site). First, it is important to
learn about sex offender
behavior, learn how they target, isolate, groom, manipulate, what lies they tell their victims
and the families of victims and read and share the Abuse Prevention
Plan. Maybe that might help you
some. Also, Read the article
: What To Do If A Molester Lives
in Your Neighborhood. One
of the best things you can do is find out if the offender is on any type of
probation supervision. If so, you could
possibly contact the Department of Corrections in your state to find out who
his probation officer is. From there you
could discuss the matter with him. It
would be important to know what type of offender he is, i.e., who were his
victims. This is important because if
his victim(s) were family members then your children are not at as high a risk
(unless he lives in your home or has unlimited access to your children), same
way if his victim(s) were friends of the family. These types of offenders require sufficient
access to the victim’s and their families to act out their crimes. However, if his victim’s were strangers then this
raises the risk level considerably. The
more information you can learn about him the better prepared you can be to
protect your children and other children. Has he had any treatment?
Read the articles on the web site about sex offender behavior
and prevention I believe these will help you greatly. Keep in mind that there are a lot of Sex offenders in society, some you are aware
of but most you aren’t because they
haven’t been caught yet, or because they aren’t required by law to register. These are the ones to be the most concerned
about because they can literally be anyone (and usually
are). It is always good to keep an eye
on those you know of, but working the abuse prevention plan will help greatly.
Sometimes there is only so much a person can do and some people simply will not listen to reason. The best thing then is to prepare your family and keep in mind that sex offenders are around children everyday and unless they are on some type of supervision there is not much that can be done about it. Also, remember that just because an offender is around children doesn’t mean that those children are at risk or that they will be abused. Sex offenders have a pattern to their behavior and it is fairly predictable. Some offenders have children living in their households and never abuse them. The media has a tendency to over react to things simply for the sake of hype to sell a story and they would have you believe that any child that a sex offender is around will be abused and that is simply ludicrous. As a treated sex offender, I can tell you that I have been around 100’s of children for most of my adult life (including raising my own children) and out of all of those children I regretfully abused 2 of them. However, as a Treated Sex Offender I can tell you that the situations described in the question above scare me to death. The offenders living in these homes are very manipulative and extremely good groomers (I should know I was very good at both of these as well). Sex offenders are typically good groomers and can convince others of virtually whatever lies they want to come up with, including being able to adequately explain away a previous conviction for a sex offense i.e., they say ‘I was set up because my wife wanted sole cusody of our kids’, or ‘ The child wanted me to buy them somethings and when I wouldn’t they made up the lie that I abused them to get back at me’, . I could literally write a book with all the different ones that sex offenders use to avoid responsibiltiy for destroying an innocent child’s life. The bottom line is whoever they are telling this to usually believes it, mostly because they don’t want to believe it in the first place or because of ‘what they would lose’ without this person. It’s sad to say that children are paying the price for some people’s bad decisions.
I urge you to read and share the articles on this site (maybe
even with the family this offender lives with), especially the learning about sex offender behavior
article, abuse
prevention plan, Molesters
lies, and the others referenced in those articles. Maybe something in there will be a little
too familiar for this family and cause them to be more suspicious and cautious.
Regretfully,
they do. The percentage of Treated Sex Offenders
who reoffend is very low compared to sex offenders
who do not receive treatment. For
example, between the two Oklahoma
Department of Corrections Sex Offender Treatment Programs their combined reoffense rate is approximately 1.75%, which is extremely
low when compared to reoffense rates of 30-40% for
untreated sex offenders (depending on which source you qoute). The simple fact is that there are those
individuals (including treated sex offenders) that NO amount of treatment will
ever be enough to prevent them from committing another crime. For this reason, parents and other adults
must take an active part in preventing child sexual abuse. Informed and educated parents and children
can do a lot to prevent sexual abuse.
The more knowledge a person has about sex offender behavior the better
prepared they are to protect themselves and their children. There are numerous articles on this web site
that are designed specifically for that – to deter, prevent, and stop sexual
abuse. See the Articles page for a
complete list and overview of all artilces available
on this site. The best ones to start
with are entitled and Protecting
Children from Sexual Abuse (An Abuse Prevention Plan). and Talking
to your children about Sexual Abuse
and Lies From Molesters .
3.
Will a sex offender registry database available online (in your opinion)
help deter repeat offenses?
If you have not read it yet, read the article entitled “Are
You a Concerned Parent & Citizen”
shown by http address at bottom of page.
But to simply answer your question – NO – I do not believe that the Sex Offender registry will deter
offenders. It is simply a tool to track
offenders – alone it is not enough to stop an offender. Although, it may deter some – primarily those
that target strangers – which is only about 5-8% of all child sexual abusers,
depending on whose statistics you use.
See Concerned and Special.
4. Regarding the
apparent recent increase of incidents between school personnel and students
what would you suggest be done to eliminate this problem?
Education is the key.
Teachers and students should be educated regarding sexual abuse. For
example, students should be taught about typical sex offender lies that they
tell their intended victims (see articles entitled Talking to your
children about Sexual Abuse and Lies From Molesters and Protecting Children
from Sexual Abuse (An Abuse Prevention Plan).
Teachers should also read the same material. The key to prevention is to eliminate the offenders ability to keep their victim silent and these
articles provide a method that will help.
Schools should do some form of initial screening through psychological
examinations – this might help show some sexual tendency towards children.
5. What advice
would you give to Students?
Same as #39 and, that they should report anything that is
suspicious to someone in their support group.
If something doesn’t “feel” right then it probably isn’t. If they are uncomfortable about a situation
take another student or adult with them.
If they are told to be some where alone by a teacher that this should be
questioned and probably reported. Always
report any inappropriate touching.
6. What would you
suggest the Teachers and school personnel be aware of,
to look out for?
The thing to look out for is someone who has a lot of
“private sessions” with a student. Someone who knows too much about students activities (more than
they should normally care about).
Students whose grades miraculously go up, for example, a student who
gets D’s is somehow making A’s in one particular class or classes. Teacher’s should be
taught how to handle “Crush” type situations.
What to do and what not to do, cause some of these fuels the offenders
desire to “act-out”, and sometimes that the justification he/she uses to
sexually abuse a student. These should
be reported immediately because this eliminates the offenders
secrecy and greatly lowers the likelihood that he/she will abuse that
particular student.
7. Why can't the
school systems or state come up with a mandatory course (say maybe a school
week) that all teachers must take before they can be hired by a school, and why
not a 3 or 4 day mini-course for the students. Do you think something like this
would help? **** This last question I found especially interesting and figured
you all would probably know if anything like that was in the works.. While I realize that such a course would not eliminate
the problem it may educate a few people though.
They should and incorporate some of the topics listed in this article and the others referenced in question #39. This would help greatly, especially if its at a mandatory meeting for all students and teachers-AT THE SAME TIME!!!
8. This question recently came up outside of
the normal methods so I will go ahead and address it now.
What do people
like religious leaders, scout leaders, and others who have direct authority
over children tell their victims to keep them from telling?
While some of these may be hard for the “normal person” to
understand – look at it from a young child’s point of view who
see his religious leader as being his way of getting into heaven. Here are some and others are listed on the
article Lies from Molesters. This is told in the way the child hears
them.—You must be cleansed of these sinful desires, You should be ashamed for
being so lustful, You are going to Hell because you get aroused by another
male-that’s homosexuality-I must cleanse you of these evil ways. If you want better grades than you must do
what I want, I
control your future so you will do what I want, and many others along those
lines. Also see Religiosity
9.
I am a parent with four children ranging in age from 7-17. Which of my children are at risk?
They all are;
however, by current statistics your 2 youngest children are more at risk. Some statistics show well over 65% of all Child Sex
Crimes are committed against children 12 years old and under.
10.
Why would this child be more at risk than my other children?
Sex Offenses are not about sex, but about an offender gaining power and
control over someone. It is much easier
for an offender to gain control over a young child than it is a middle teenager
or adult. This is because young children
are more trusting, innocent and naïve about life and can more easily be
groomed, manipulated, deceived, intimidated, and threatened by the
offender. Children are raised to be
respectful, courteous and obedient towards adults and Sex Offenders use these
qualities against children.
11. The children are 2 boys ( 7 and 17) and 2 girls (10 and 14). Which of these would be
more at risk?
Same as 9 & 10.
12. Why?
Same as 9 & 10.
13.
How does an offender pick their targets?
Offenders vary in the way they target their victims. To limit the scope of the question I will answer
the question as it relates to the majority of Child Sex Offenders (Over
90%). These offenders target family
and/or friends’ children. The offenders
I have come in contact with, including myself, target children based on several
criteria: First, having access and availability to the intended victim are
probably the most important. This is
because this is how the offender sets them up for the sexual abuse. The offender does and says anything and
everything to gain the child’s trust. He
might do this by buying them gifts, taking them places, and encouraging them to
break boundaries set by their parents, and anything else that might seem “cool” to the child. This
is called grooming, manipulating, deceiving and many other things. The offender may do these things in just a
few hours-or for many years-before he/she actually sexually abuses their
intended victim. Another criteria some
sex offenders, such as myself, look for is personality traits. I, and other offenders, target children with
low self-esteem, lack of confidence, isolation, are withdrawn, and other traits like
these. The reason why is, these children are more accepting of an adult’s attention
and a sex offender is highly skilled at exploiting these as
vulnerabilities. To summarize, a sex
offender looks for a child he can prey on where he has some assurance that he
will not get caught. There are many
other aspects and criteria that a sex offender uses to target their victims –
it could literally fill a book. (Two
related articles about targeting are on this site titled: Are You a Concerned Parent
and Citizen and Protecting
Children from Sexual Abuse (An Abuse Prevention Plan) and Learning about Sex Offender
Behavior
14. What is the difference between a sex offender
and a pedophile?
To start with, a sex offender is a pedophile and a pedophile is a sex
offender, however not all sex offenders are pedophiles- at least in my
opinion. The answer varies even in the sex offender
treatment community. My view is that a
sex offender commits crimes against children, yet his actual sexual preference
is with an adult. (Note: Remember sex
crimes are not about sex, but about power and control.) A Pedophile commits crimes against children
and his actual sexual
preference is with children,
not adults.
15. Which is more common, the “touchy feely” type
of abuse or the type that ends in some type of penetration?
Some statistics show that 25% to 30% of all child sex crimes end in
some form of penetration. See traits
16. What are some of the arguments used to
coerce children into not telling their parents when they have been molested?
These range greatly from offender to offender. A lot of it depends on
the victim. Some of the things I used
and ones I’ve heard others use are: NOTHING AT ALL (it happens), Your parents
won’t believe you, it’s your fault, they(your parents) will blame you, they
will take you away, you will go to jail, your friends won’t believe you or like
you, your parents won’t love you
anymore, I’m your daddy you do as I tell you, your mom will blame you and hate
you for it, keep quite or else, I’ll kill you, your dog, family, friends
(whatever is important to the child), I am the boss, I’ll never buy you
anything else, I won’t take you anywhere else, Who will take care of you, This
is what fathers/mothers do with their children, I’m only teaching you about
sex, this is love, you will be punished, this is normal everybody does it….the
list goes on and on…See Molesters
Lies and Warning
Signs and Abuse Talk
17. How are they
convinced to submit?
Most children, as with my victims, don’t have to be convinced-they are
too scared, terrified, confused (and many other things), by what is happening to them. The offender
does and says anything and everything to gain the child’s trust. He might do this by buying them gifts, taking
them places, and encouraging them to break boundaries set by their parents, and
anything else that
might seem “cool” to the child.
This is called grooming, manipulating, deceiving and many other
things. The offender may do these things
in just a few hours-or for many years-before he/she actually sexually abuses
their intended victim.. To summarize, a sex offender looks for a
child he can prey on where he has some assurance that he will not get caught.
18. What should I tell my child if I think he/she
is being targeted?
Tell them to trust their instincts (as well as your own), to watch out
for anyone who is going out of their way to be friendly and to tell some one
about that person, either you, as a parent , a
teacher, counselor anyone the child trusts.
They should report suspicious behavior to any of those people previously
listed, as well as, police or anyone else that they or you trust. Set up a network with your child ahead of
time. Together come up with a list of
names of people who your child feels comfortable with. Let your children know that it is alright for
them to go to these people even before they come to you, sometimes a child
feels more comfortable that way. Also an
offender may have told them things that make the child feel that telling their
parents is not an option, especially if the offender is one of the parents. See
Protecting Children
from Sexual Abuse (An Abuse Prevention Plan).
19. What should I tell my child if I think he/she
is being molested?
A child’s worse fears are that they won’t be believed, that no one will
love them, that they will be blamed, that someone they love will be hurt, and
many others. The best thing you can do
for your child is reassure them that you love them UNCONDITIONALLY, and that
you believe them, encourage them to tell someone that they trust, even if its
not you. Assure them they are not to
blame and that they will not get into trouble.
The single most important thing is communication between you and your
child. Talk to them as a preventative
measure about what to do if they are inappropriately touched, who to talk to,
when, and why they should tell someone. Set up a network with your child ahead of
time. Together come up with a list of
names of people who your child feels comfortable with. Let your children know that it is alright for
them to go to these people even before they come to you, sometimes a child
feels more comfortable that way. Also an
offender may have told them things that make the child feel that telling their
parents is not an option, especially if the offender is one of the parents. See
Molesters Lies and
traits.
20. Who should I contact, what should I do if I
find that he/she has been molested?
The first thing is to reassure your child of your love for them and
that you will always love them and be there for them. They are your first priority! Then notify the authorities. In some cities they have crisis centers for victims of sexual abuse
that attempt to lessen the continued trauma that a victim goes through when
entering the legal system.
21. What
kind of person could do this horrible thing to a person, especially a child?
That’s always a difficult question to answer. As for me and most other offenders, I told
myself that I wouldn’t hurt my victims, that they would enjoy it, that they
want me to do this, I was molested as a child and I’m Ok and I liked it, and
many other distortions. Distortions are
lies that a Sex offender tells himself/herself to minimize his behaviors. I told myself these types of distortion for
so long that I actually believed them.
Another reason Sex Offenders are able to do what they do is sex offenders typically
have very low Empathy (the ability to relate and experience another person’s
feelings and emotions). This happens
through years of shutting off their feelings towards others as well as
themselves (this is another subject by itself).
I should point out that sex offenders are very good at faking empathy
though. Typically, as in my case, when I
offended I no longer cared about the consequences to myself about anything. So, if I didn’t care about myself, I surely
didn’t care about anyone else. It was
through treatment that I gained Empathy for my victims and others. It is something that I am constantly aware of
now and I work on increasing my Empathy everyday.
22. I am a nine year old and my fried is touching
me down there and making me touch his thing.
What should I do?
First this person is not your friend.
Avoid this person as much as possible. Find someone that you trust and
tell them what is happening to you. This
could be your parents, a teacher, counselor, minister, a
friend’s parents, whoever you trust the most.
Keep telling until he is forced to stop, and remember that there are
people who love you and who will protect you from this person. If he told you that you will be in trouble,
or that it’s your fault, or that you will be taken
away – don’t believe him. A Sex Offender
lies and lies, he does anything and says anything he has to keep you from
telling.
23. What should I
not do?
This one I’m not sure about. But
my advice as a sex offender, is not to provoke this
person. Stay away from him as much as
you can.
24. Should I tell my
parents?
IF you are comfortable telling them then do so, if not, tell someone else
that you trust.
25. Why or why
not?
You know your relationship with your parents and can make a judgement call. Sometimes because the offender is one of the
parents it makes telling the other parent very difficult, so tell someone who
you know will be there for you and will listen to you.
26. He said I would be arrested if I told what he
did. Why?
First this is a lie that he told you to keep you from telling. It is not true. A victim of sexual abuse has never been
arrested! See Molesters Lies
27. I am afraid to tell my parents what happened
to me. What shall do?
Find someone that you trust and tell them what is happening to
you. This could be your parents, a
teacher, counselor, minister, a friend’s parents,
whoever you trust the most. Keep telling
until he is forced to stop, and remember that there are people who love you and
who will protect you from this person.
Ask them to go with you to tell your parents. See Molesters Lies and Victim Myths
28. My parents
will hate me.
If this is what the offender said, it is a lie. This is a lie offenders tell their victims to
keep them quite. Your parents will
always love you no matter what. See Molesters Lies and No Hero
29 He said he will kill my parents if I tell.
This is another lie that offenders tell their victims, BUT, to be safe don’t take any chances. Stay away from this person. If you have to be around him only do so with
other people there. Tell someone you
trust about what has happened and the threats he has made so they can take
appropriate action to safeguard you and your family. ALWAYS BE SAFE. See Molesters Lies
30. What will I do? Momma doesn’t believe me. She thinks he is a nice man and that I am
jealous because she let him move in.
Since she doesn’t believe you tell someone else that you trust: a
teacher, counselor, minister, or anyone else you believe will listen to
you. Keep telling until he stops! See Molesters Lies and show
it to her as well as some of the other linked articles above
31. Are there female sex offenders?
Yes there are female sex offenders.
32 If so, how do they differ from male
offenders in their behavior?
In most aspects they are the same in the way they target their victims
and set their victims up, but, female offenders are typically more aggressive
and violent towards their victims.
33 Do they use
different methods to snare their victims?
No, typically they use the same methods.
34. He forced me to have sex. Now am I going to grow up to be gay? What do I do?
Being sexually abused has NOTHING to do with your preferences and
choices for future sexual partners. It
does however, cause overwhelming confusing about being
gay or not. The best advice I could hope
to give you is seek out counseling from someone who is more qualified than I am
on this subject. I would hope that you
are in some type of therapy because of the abuse perpetrated against you. This is important because there are so many
issues to address including this one and only a Therapist/Counselor who has
been trained to deal with sexual abuse issues can help you find the answers you
seek. See Abuse Talk
35. How do I stay away from a Sex Offender?
Interesting question! Since it
is impossible to know who is and who is not a Sex Offender (except those that
are registered), be wary of individuals (adults) who seem to know all the
latest children’s: fads, clothes, music, hot spots, chat rooms, etc.. Those who seem to
be around children often, make it a point to be at places where children
hang-out, who are wanting to buy you, or others,
things for no apparent reason, take you to places, or if they tell dirty
jokes. Adults who frequently make
physical contact with children-touching-even though it looks innocent. Adults who are ‘always’
available to watch your kids.
These are just a few things to look for and there are numerous other
things. Check out other Web sites for
more info.
36. How will I
recognize a sex offender?
Same as
27. See trait. And Learning about sex offender
behavior and What to do if a sex offender lives in your neighborhood
37. What kind of a person can be a sex offender?
ANY KIND OF PERSON! Sex offenders
come from every walk of life, every profession, every trade, every ethnic
group, race, and religion.
38. What is the
average sentence for a sex crime?
Molestation and Forcible Sodomy carry 1 –20 years (prior to Truth in
Sentencing) and Rape can carry 5 to LIFE and even the death penalty, so I’m
told. The overwhelming majority of Sex
offenders will get out of prison someday.
The 1992 National Corrections Reporting Program states that the average
sentence for Rape is 12.5 years and 9.5 years for all other kinds of sexual
assaults.
39. Are offenders ever murderers?
Yes, they are very rare though.
I have personally only come in contact with one and only know of one
other that truly attempted to kill his victim thankfully she survived, and that
is out of about 700-1000 sex offenders that I have come in close contact with.
40. How do you cure a sex offender?
First, sex offending is not a disease therefore there is no cure for
it. Sex Offending is a learned behavior
that takes place over numerous years. As
with all behaviors that are learned, they can be unlearned through
treatment. As a Treated Sex Offender, I
can testify that treatment does work.
Treatment is very difficult for sex offenders. It takes an enormous amount of honesty,
effort and concern to complete treatment – that’s why at one Sex Offender
treatment facility in
41. Will castration stop a sex offender?
NO! Sex Offenses
are not about sex, they are about power and control. Sex is the vehicle an offender uses to gain
that power and control and even castrated he/she could still commit their
crimes. The only way to stop a sex
offender is through treatment, continued supervision after release from prison
(over and above registration), and education of the offenders family, friends
and community.
42. What would be the equivalent to castration
for a female sex offender?
Nothing- See # 33.
43. Are Sex Offenders sex addicts?
First, let’s not confuse two separate behavioral problems. Some Sex Offenders are sex addicts. Sex offenders commit their crimes for power
and control, NOT for sex. In fact very
few sex offenses even involve “sex” in the normal sense. Sex Offenders use sex to gain power and control
over their victims, while Sex Addicts are having sexual relations with a consenting adult partner. Both are treatable and use completely
different treatment techniques.
44. If a sex Offender has been through treatment
what are the chances that he will repeat?
This statistic varies from 2% to 5%-nationally. I personally believe it depends on where the
offender received his/her treatment and what type of treatment methods where
used. For example, A
treatment provider who does not provide the offender with an in-depth Empathy
course/phase I believe has a higher rate of reoffense
by its graduates. (I have not been able
to find any statistics to verify this as of yet). My reasoning is that offenders do what they
do because they don’t care about the consequences to their victims and only
through an Empathy course can they even begin to understand the devastating
affects they have caused their victims. See Does Treatment Work
and Concerned and Special.
45. What can I do to make my neighborhood safer?
Form a neighborhood watch program.
Have regular meeting and ask people who are experts in crime prevention
or in sex offenders come to speak to your watch program. Set up a Emergency
network for points of contact for everyone in the watch group. Encourage everyone in your neighborhood to
join the group. See What to do if a sex offender
lives in your neighborhood and Traits and Learning about sex offender
behavior and Preventing
Abuse.
The above responses were written by a Treated Sex
Offender(5809265956), look for more articles on this Web Site and at (SOInformation) for more
articles, i.e., Protecting
Children from Sexual Abuse (An Abuse Prevention Plan) and others
to come - check this site often. To see the answers to questions asked to
a Sex Offender Therapist click
here.
If you would like to submit a question simply
send an e-mail to bach@beachildshero.com.
Two good sources for sexual abuse
prevention info is Stop
It Now and www.sexcriminals.com.
http://www.beachildshero.com/concerned.htm”
OR
http://www.missingkids.com/html/sexoffender.html”
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